


Soldiering on

by IceCream_Junkie



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e25 Resolutions, F/M, Missing Scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-16 21:32:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16961862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceCream_Junkie/pseuds/IceCream_Junkie
Summary: Kathryn contemplates how her relationship with Chakotay has changed during their time on New Earth.





	Soldiering on

**Author's Note:**

> Day 12 of [25 Days of Voyager 2018](https://25daysofvoyager.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Many thanks to [Caladenia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caladenia/pseuds/Caladenia) for her thorough beta work. She didn’t let me get away with lazy writing and helped me turn this into a decent story. All your hard work is much appreciated.
> 
> I would also like to thank the ladies of the Star Trek Voyager book club who helped out when my two languages deserted me and this whole putting words into sentences doing wasn’t really making sense.
> 
> All remaining mistakes are my own.

Kathryn stared at the woman in the mirror. After almost three months on this planet, it felt as if a stranger was looking back at her. There was no denying it; her time on New Earth had affected her more deeply than she was ready to admit.

Now, for the first time since their fateful arrival, from the black and red command uniform to the accurately pinned up auburn hair, she looked every inch like a Starfleet captain. The only things out of place were the missing communicator and rank insignia – and the look in her eyes. She looked sad and a little forlorn.

Her eyes were red and puffed from lack of sleep. Not able to stop thinking, she had spent much of the previous night tossing and turning in her bed. Soon she would be back on the ship, pretending that nothing significant had happened in the past twelve weeks.

 _Don’t go there. Nothing good will come of it,_ she told herself.

Kathryn quickly averted her gaze and picked up one of her rank pips. She needed to keep busy to avoid overthinking the situation she found herself in any further. But when she held the small golden object in her hand, she stopped and stared at it for a while.

_Once it’s back on, you’ll have to play by the rules again._

That thought caught her unawares. It was so unlike her to resent those pips and what they represented. She had worked hard for them, had lived by Starfleet’s rules and regulations for most of her life. They gave her comfort and security. Never before had she doubted them. But now…

The time she had spent on this planet with Chakotay had left its mark. Something had changed between them. She was no longer able to pretend that she didn’t have feelings for her First Officer, and Chakotay had made his own sentiments for her pretty clear. The ‘ancient legend’ he had told her had caused a shift in her heart, a shift she was not sure she could have ignored for long even if she had wanted to. But now that they were about to beam back aboard Voyager they could not allow their feelings for each other to get in the way.

No, it was better to nip things in the bud, before it got too complicated.

Kathryn gave a short, bitter laugh. When they were brought out of stasis all those weeks ago, she had been determined to find a cure, a way for them to leave the planet. Even though they had decided to stay behind rather than put Voyager at risk by contacting the Vidiians for help, she had not been ready to give up hope just yet. Instead, she had stubbornly refused to accept that their stay might be permanent and had spent all her time and energy on her research however fruitless it might have been. It had taken a plasma storm and the loss of her equipment to put an end to that.

Now that Voyager had come back for them with a cure part of her did not want to give up this new life Chakotay and she had carved for themselves. The irony did not escape her.

_Chakotay…_

Kathryn wondered how he felt about returning to their old lives aboard Voyager. While she had been focused on finding the insect that had infected them with the virus, effectively trapping them on New Earth, Chakotay had spend much time and energy on making the planet feel more like a home.

At first it had irked her. It had seemed like he had given up, but when he had told her that he didn’t want to sacrifice the present for something that might never happen, something had stirred in her.

While she had not been ready to do it at the time, in retrospect part of her wished she had been able to embrace the present like he had. Instead, her initial reaction had been to try to define parameters, to keep a certain distance between them. She had been his captain after all, and while there had been no command structure on New Earth, she had not been able to adapt that quickly. Being a captain could be lonely at times and she was not used to letting her defences down to let someone else in.

All things considered avoiding making a decision about the nascent shift in their relationship might have been for the best. Now that they were about to return to Voyager they could not risk emotions getting in the way. Though, if she was truly honest with herself, she had to admit that it was fear that had led her to delay that step and cling to her parameters instead. Whatever there was between them, whether it was simple attraction or something deeper, it scared her.

However, that did not change the fact that her reluctance to act on her feelings was one of the many things she wished she had done differently while they were on this planet. After all she might never get the chance again.

Still holding the pip in her hand, Kathryn raised her eyes again, lifting her face and looking at her reflection. She remembered the night he had tried to ease the pain in her neck, his finger gently kneading her shoulders…

The memory made her smile. Her free hand moved to where his had been that night. If only they had had a little more time… She could have… Her smile faltered.

 _What?,_ she asked herself frowning at her reflection, _Told him how much I appreciated all the things he had done to make our life on New Earth easier, more comfortable? Told him how I felt about him?_

All of a sudden, she wished she had had the courage to tell him. The man had built her a bathtub, for God’s sake!

At the same time, while there were certainly things she should have said, another part of her was glad that she had not told him anything she might regret, now that they had to play by the rules again. It would have only complicated their lives, made hard decisions more difficult to take, made her vulnerable, when she could least afford it. She was the Captain after all. She couldn’t get involved with her First Officer, no matter how much she wanted to.

Her hand closed around the small, golden pin, squeezing it. _Protocols are there for a reason_ , she reminded herself, _a captain needs to be objective._

After all, she was responsible for every member of her crew. Allowing herself to develop feelings for someone on the ship would put that objectivity at risk. It was unthinkable, especially here in the Delta Quadrant where they were on their own and had only each other to rely on.  

_There is no point in dwelling on something that cannot be._

Kathryn closed her eyes tightly and fought down the emotions that were threatening to overwhelm her. Soon she would be back on Voyager, with her crew. This was what she had wanted since she first got ill. She should be glad – and grateful for the risk her crew had taken to get a cure for them.

 _This does not have to mean that you will never get to tell him how you feel,_ she tried to reassure herself.

There was still a chance the ship would make it home sooner than expected. If it did – no, _when_ it did – they would be able to explore the feelings they undeniably had for each other. Until then, she would do her duty.

When she opened her eyes again, her ‘Captain’s mask’, as Phoebe had called it, was firmly back in place, head held high, eyes clear and focussed, her expression neutral, not giving away her thoughts and feelings.

Kathryn checked her appearance once more. After a curt nod, she squared her shoulders and resolutely fastened the first of her pips on the collar of her uniform. The others followed one by one. There was no time for regrets and what-ifs. She had to find a way home for her ship, her crew. She owed them that much. After all it was her decision that had stranded them here. It was her duty and they deserved her undivided attention.

She was the captain.

She had to soldier on.


End file.
